Chapter 12: Confucian Elaboration on the Way of Conjugal Relations

Section 1: Confucius on the Conjugal Pair

Confucius’s discussions on the Way of the conjugal pair are scattered throughout the Analects and related texts.

I. Taking Guan Ju as the Head of the Odes.

The Analects, Ba Yi:

"The Master said: 'Guan Ju is joyful without excess, and sorrowful without injury.'" (子曰：‘《关雎》乐而不淫，哀而不伤。’)

Confucius considered Guan Ju the ultimate poem of moderation. It sings of the emotions between husband and wife—joyful without being excessive, sorrowful without causing harm. This is the paradigm of moderate emotion and symbolizes the rectification of the conjugal Way.

Confucius placing Guan Ju at the head of the Book of Odes (traditionally attributed to Confucius’s compilation) carries the same intent as the Zhou Yi placing Xian at the head of the Lower Canon—both begin with the conjugal pair as the start of human relations.

II. Discussing Family Virtue.

The Analects, Xue Er:

"When the disciples enter the family home, they practice filial piety; when they go out, they practice fraternal submission; they are cautious and trustworthy; they love the masses extensively, and attach themselves to benevolence. If there is energy left over after practicing these, they use it to study culture (literature)." (弟子入则孝，出则悌，谨而信，泛爱众，而亲仁。行有余力，则以学文。)

Although this directly discusses filial piety and fraternal submission, the practice of these requires a complete family as a prerequisite, and a complete family is based on the rectification of the conjugal pair.

III. Discussing Rectification of Names and Positions.

The Analects, Zi Lu:

"Zi Lu said: 'If the Lord of Wei awaits you to take office, what will you begin with first$6' The Master said: 'It must be rectifying names!'" (子路曰：‘卫君待子而为政，子将奚先？’子曰：‘必也正名乎！’)

Confucius held the "rectification of names" (Zheng Ming) as the primary task of governance. Rectifying names means ensuring that names correspond to reality, and that everyone fulfills their proper responsibilities in their correct position. Extended to the Way of the conjugal pair, this means the husband rectifies his position as husband, the wife rectifies her position as wife, and each fulfills their duties.

IV. Confucius’s Personal Practice in Family Life.

Little is recorded about Confucius’s own marital life in the Analects. Occasionally, incidental information surfaces, such as: "The Master said to Bo Yu: 'Have you practiced the Odes of Zhou and the Odes of the South yet$7 If a person does not practice the Odes of Zhou and the Odes of the South, it is like standing facing a wall!'" (Analects, Yang Huo). Confucius taught his son Bo Yu to study the Zhou Nan and Zhao Nan—which focus on marriage and the conjugal pair—indicating that Confucius placed great importance on educating the Way of the conjugal pair.

Section 2: Mencius on the Conjugal Pair

Mencius’s discussions on the Way of the conjugal pair are more systematic than Confucius’s.

I. The Five Relationships.

Mencius, Teng Wen Gong Shang:

"He appointed Qi as Minister of Public Instruction, and taught them the human relations: Father and son have affection; ruler and minister have righteousness; husband and wife have distinction; elder and younger have order; friends have trust." (使契为司徒，教以人伦：父子有亲，君臣有义，夫妇有别，长幼有序，朋友有信。)

"Husband and wife have distinction" (Fuqi you Bie)—this is one of the Five Relationships. The deep meaning of "Distinction" has been discussed.

II. The Way of the "Inner Sphere" (Nei Ze).

Mencius, Teng Wen Gong Xia:

"When a man is born, he desires a home; when a woman is born, she desires a house. Every man has the heart of his parents to desire this. If they do not wait for the command of their parents and the words of the matchmaker, but secretly peek through cracks or follow each other over walls, then the parents and the people of the state will all despise them." (丈夫生而愿为之有室，女子生而愿为之有家。父母之心，人皆有之。不待父母之命、媒妁之言，钻穴隙相窥，逾墙相从，则父母国人皆贱之。)

This passage discusses marriage needing to conform to ritual propriety. Private unions "without waiting for the command of their parents and the words of the matchmaker" are despised by society. The union of husband and wife must be governed by rites—this is Mencius’s fundamental stance.

III. The Question of Shun’s Marriage.

Mencius, Wan Zhang Shang, records Wan Zhang asking Mencius about Shun’s marriage:

"Wan Zhang asked: 'The Odes say: How about taking a wife$8 One must inform the parents. If this is true, none is more suitable than Shun. Why did Shun marry without informing his parents$9'" (万章问曰：‘诗云：娶妻如之何？必告父母。信斯言也，宜莫如舜。舜之不告而娶，何也？’)

"Mencius replied: 'If he had informed them, he could not have married. Male and female occupying separate quarters is the great relationship of man. If he had informed them, he would have violated the great relationship of man for the sake of antagonizing his parents. Therefore, he did not inform them.'" (孟子曰：‘告则不得娶。男女居室，人之大伦也。如告，则废人之大伦，以怼父母。是以不告也。’)

This section is highly interesting. Shun’s father, Gu Sou, was obstinate and would certainly have forbidden Shun from marrying if he had been informed. Yet, "male and female occupying separate quarters is the great relationship of man"—marriage is man's most fundamental ethical relationship. If reporting it would abolish this great relationship for the sake of antagonizing his parents, it would be unfilial. Therefore, Shun married without reporting, which was the correct choice after weighing the pros and cons.

This shows Mencius’s extreme emphasis on the "Way of the conjugal pair"—he believed marriage was the "great relationship of man" and must not be abolished for any reason.

IV. "No Physical Contact Between Male and Female" vs. "Lending a Hand to a Drowning Sister-in-Law."

Mencius, Li Lou Shang:

"Chunyu Kun asked: 'Is it a rite for men and women not to touch hands when handing things over$10' Mencius replied: 'It is a rite.' Kun asked: 'If one's sister-in-law drowns, should one lend her a hand$11' Mencius replied: 'Not lending a hand when one’s sister-in-law drowns is being a jackal or wolf! To not touch hands when handing things over is a rite. Lending a hand to a drowning sister-in-law is an exception based on expediency.'" (淳于髡曰：‘男女授受不亲，礼与？’孟子曰：‘礼也。’曰：‘嫂溺，则援之以手乎？’曰：‘嫂溺不援，是豺狼也。男女授受不亲，礼也。嫂溺援之以手者，权也。’)

The separation between male and female through rites is the constant way (Chang Dao). However, in extraordinary circumstances, one must employ the way of expediency (Quan). Not saving a drowning sister-in-law is the act of a beast, not human. Thus, "expediency"—flexible adaptation—can override the restriction of "distinction" under special circumstances.

This principle aligns with the Xian hexagram’s concept of "affective communication": Rites are the norm, feeling is the function; the norm is based on distinction, the function utilizes communication. In normal times, maintain distinction; in extraordinary times, realize affective communication. The two are dialectically unified.

Section 3: Xunzi on the Conjugal Pair

Xunzi’s discussions on the Way of the conjugal pair are most directly related to our source text.

I. The Original Text in Xunzi, Da Lüe.

"The Changes’ Xian presages the conjugal pair. The Way of the conjugal pair must not be unrectified; it is the root of ruler and minister, father and son. Xian is Gan (feeling/apprehension); by the high descending to the low, by the male descending to the female, the yielding is above and the firm is below." (《易》之咸，见夫妇。夫妇之道，不可不正也，君臣父子之本也。咸、感也，以高下下，以男下女，柔上而刚下。)

This is the passage where Xunzi (or his school) quotes and elaborates on the meaning of the Yi. Xunzi uses this passage to summarize the core principles of the Xian hexagram into several concise points:

(1) The Xian hexagram reveals the Way of the conjugal pair. (2) The Way of the conjugal pair must not be unrectified; it is the root of ruler and minister, father and son. (3) Xian is feeling/apprehension, manifested by the high descending to the low, by the male descending to the female, and the yielding being above and the firm below.

Xunzi’s quotation is concise and powerful, summarizing the core rationality of the Xian hexagram—the conjugal pair is the root of human relations, and affective communication is the core of the conjugal Way. This demonstrates the profound grasp the Xunzi school had of the Yi scholarship.

II. Xunzi’s Rites Theory and the Conjugal Way.

Xunzi considered "Rites" (Li) the foundation of governance. Xunzi, Li Lun (Discourse on Rites) states:

"Where do rites originate$12 It is said: Man is born with desires. If desires cannot be satisfied, one cannot but seek them. If seeking is without measure and boundary, conflict is unavoidable, and conflict leads to chaos, and chaos leads to exhaustion. The former Kings detested this chaos, so they established rites and righteousness to differentiate things, to nourish human desires, and to satisfy human demands, ensuring that desires are never exhausted by things, and things are never exhausted by desires. When the two maintain balance, this is the origin of rites." (礼起于何也？曰：人生而有欲，欲而不得则不能无求，求而无度量分界则不能不争，争则乱，乱则穷。先王恶其乱也，故制礼义以分之，以养人之欲，给人之求，使欲必不穷乎物，物必不屈于欲，两者相持而长，是礼之所起也。)

The origin of rites lies in regulating human desires, maintaining a balance between desire and things. The Way of the conjugal pair must also be rectified by rites. The desires between male and female are natural tendencies; however, if not restrained by rites, they lead to licentiousness. Therefore, the Way of the conjugal pair is correct when based on rites and founded on distinction.

III. Xunzi on the Distinction between Heaven and Man.

Xunzi, Tian Lun (Discourse on Heaven):

"The movement of Heaven has its constants, it does not exist for Yao, nor perish for Jie. Responding to it with order brings auspiciousness; responding to it with disorder brings misfortune." (天行有常，不为尧存，不为桀亡。应之以治则吉，应之以乱则凶。)

Xunzi advocated a division between Heaven and Man—Heaven has its constant Way, and Man has his responsibility. Man must respond to Heaven’s Way with the Right Way (Zheng Dao) to achieve auspiciousness.

This principle applies to the conjugal Way: The interaction of Yin and Yang between husband and wife is a natural constant ("the movement of Heaven has its constants"); however, man must respond to it with the Right Way (rites and righteousness) ("responding to it with order brings auspiciousness") to achieve rectification in the conjugal pair. This aligns perfectly with the meaning of "Li Zhen" (Favorable to Rectitude) in the Xian hexagram.

Section 4: Li Ji on Marriage Rites and Thought

Although the Li Ji (Book of Rites) may have been compiled later, it preserves much material reflecting pre-Qin ideas on marriage rites.

I. Discussion in Hun Yi (Meaning of Marriage).

Li Ji, Hun Yi states:

"The marriage rite is for uniting the good will between two surnames, upward to serve the ancestral temple, and downward to succeed future generations. Therefore, the superior man values it highly." (昏礼者，将合二姓之好，上以事宗庙，下以继后世也。故君子重之。)

The function of the wedding rite: uniting the goodwill of two surnames, serving the ancestral temple, and succeeding future generations. These three correspond respectively to social relations (forming alliances), religious relations (sacrifice), and biological relations (procreation). The importance of marriage is evident from this.

And further:

"Thus it is said: 'The marriage rite is the root of rites.'" (故曰昏礼者，礼之本也。)

"The marriage rite is the root of rites"—the wedding ceremony is the foundation of all ritual order. This is consistent with Xian heading the Lower Canon and the statement that "the Way of the conjugal pair is the root of ruler and minister, father and son."

It also details the wedding ceremony:

"Therefore, in the marriage rite, presenting betrothal gifts, inquiring names, confirming auspiciousness, presenting wedding gifts, setting the date—all are done with the host setting out tables in the ancestral temple, and bowing to welcome them outside the door. Upon entering, they exchange bows and ascend, listening to commands in the ancestral temple—this is to show reverence, caution, and rectification in the marriage rite." (是以昏礼纳采、问名、纳吉、纳征、请期，皆主人筵几于庙，而拜迎于门外。入，揖让而升，听命于庙，所以敬慎重正昏礼也。)

All Six Rites take place in the ancestral temple; the host welcomes them outside the door with bows—all are based on reverence and caution. "Reverence, caution, and rectification of the marriage rite"—this character "Zheng" (rectification) echoes the meaning of "the Way of the conjugal pair must not be unrectified."

II. Discussion in Nei Ze (Inner Ordinances).

The Li Ji, Nei Ze, details the division of spousal duties within the family:

"The male does not speak of the inner sphere; the female does not speak of the outer sphere." (男不言内，女不言外。)

The man manages external affairs, the woman manages internal affairs; each has their place.

"Rites begin with caution toward the conjugal pair, establishing the house, distinguishing inside and outside. The male resides outside, the female inside. The inner chambers are deeply enclosed and doors secured, guarded by eunuchs and female attendants. The male does not enter, the female does not go out." (礼始于谨夫妇，为宫室，辨外内。男子居外，女子居内。深宫固门，阍寺守之。男不入，女不出。)

The beginning of rites is caution regarding the conjugal relationship. Establishing separate quarters to distinguish inside and outside, the male residing outside and the female inside—this is the ritual manifestation of "distinction in conjugal relations."

However, this distinction is not for isolation, but for order. On the basis of order, the conjugal pair unites through communication—this is the dialectic of "distinction yet feeling."

III. Discussion in Ai Gong Wen (Inquiry of Duke Ai).

The Li Ji, Ai Gong Wen, records Confucius answering Duke Ai of Lu:

"Duke Ai asked Confucius: 'What about the great rites$13 Why is the superior man’s speech about rites so esteemed$14' Confucius replied: 'I am a humble man, insufficient to know rites.' The Duke said: 'No! You must speak of them.' Confucius replied: 'I have heard that: That by which the people are sustained is primarily rites. Without rites, one cannot properly serve the spirits of Heaven and Earth; without rites, one cannot distinguish the positions of ruler and minister, superior and inferior, elder and younger; without rites, one cannot distinguish the affections between husband and wife, father and son, elder and younger brother, and the relationships of marriage and kinship.'" (哀公问于孔子曰：‘大礼何如？君子之言礼，何其尊也？’孔子曰：‘丘也小人，不足以知礼。’君曰：‘否！吾子言之也。’孔子曰：‘丘闻之：民之所由生，礼为大。非礼无以节事天地之神也，非礼无以辨君臣上下长幼之位也，非礼无以别男女父子兄弟之亲、婚姻疏数之交也。)

"Without rites, one cannot distinguish the affections between husband and wife, father and son, elder and younger brother..." If there are no rites, the degrees of closeness and distance between male and female, father and son, elder and younger brother cannot be discerned. Rites bring order to human relations.

Confucius also said:

"The Way of the superior man commences with the conjugal pair." (君子之道，造端乎夫妇。)

(This statement also appears in the Zhong Yong.) The beginning of the superior man’s Way lies in the conjugal pair. This perfectly accords with the meaning of the Xian hexagram.